How to control your emotions

7 ways to feel better, pass karate tests, defeat TSA employees, not get nervous on dates and in big business meetings, and more.

Imagine you wanted to make yourself angry. I’m not talking about pretending to be angry — I’m talking about getting your own blood to boil.

How would you do it?

That’s the problem James Gandolfini had when he was playing Tony Soprano. Because Tony Soprano’s an angry character, and if he just pretended to be angry, audiences wouldn’t have bought it. So Gandolfini had to make himself angry, for real.

How did he do it?

He walked around with a pebble in his shoe. He would walk around, the pebble would roll around in his shoe, it would chafe up his toes and get in his way, and it would drive him crazy. Then he would channel that anger and use it to become Tony Soprano.

Actors know that in order to play a scene right, they can’t fake the emotions their character is feeling. They need to actually feel those emotions themselves. Otherwise audiences just won’t buy it.

And in order to feel those emotions, they need to be able to conjure them up on command.

What does this have to do with you? You’re probably not an actor. But your emotions are still really important. In fact, they decide everything you do.

Most people fool themselves into thinking they rationally decide what to do. Actually, your actions stem from your emotions.

There’s research that shows this. When you’re angry, you do more antisocial, hostile stuff. When you’re sad, you get more pessimistic and less hopeful, meaning you’re less likely to pursue long-term goals. When you’re happy, you get unreasonably optimistic and you take more risks. Et cetera.

(You might justify your behavior by rationalizing it, but that’s different. The source of your behavior is almost always your emotions.)

So the only way to control your actions is to control your emotions. If you have anger issues, you won’t stop shouting at your employees until you learn to control your anger. If you’re depressed, you won’t be able to get up out of bed and enjoy life until you deal with your depression. Et cetera.

The caveat here is that you can’t just make your emotions go away. Imagine you notice you’re angry, and then you tell yourself to stop being angry. You won’t just stop being angry. Then you’ll notice you’re still angry, and you’ll get more angry because you’re trying so hard not to be angry and you’re still angry. (Same goes for sadness, shame, and most other emotions.)

So instead of approaching your emotions head-on, you have to deal with your emotions indirectly.

Here are 7 ways you can do that:

#1: Take a few deep breaths.

Right now, are you thinking about your breathing? I mean, before you read that sentence and brought it to your attention. Were you thinking about every single breath you took? Probably not.

How about now? How about now that I just asked you about your breath? Now are you thinking about your breathing? You probably are!

Your breath is a little weird because it’s usually unconscious, but you can consciously control it when you want to. You can’t do that with your heartbeat, your digestive system, your adrenal system, or any of the other stuff you do unconsciously — only with your breath.

The breath is where your conscious mind and your unconscious mind meet up. That means that if you want to control your unconscious mind, control your breathing.

When you breathe calmly, your unconscious mind says “he’s breathing okay, so everything must be fine.” Then your unconscious tells the rest of your body to chill out. (And vice versa if you’re breathing too quickly.)

The problem with this is that it’s not that effective. It works well when your emotions are weak. If your emotions are super strong, breathing won’t make that much of a difference. You need something more powerful.

#2: Do something that makes you feel better

Another good way to change how you feel is to do something.

For example, if you feel sad, go talk to someone you love. Call up an old friend, or your parents, or anyone who you enjoy talking to, and shoot the shit for a little bit.

Or if you feel nervous, go for a long walk in a park, or do some yoga.

Exercising is another awesome way to change your emotions. Exercise fills you with endorphins which make you feel good. (This is why some people get addicted to exercise — and in small doses, it’s a good thing.)

If you don’t have time to do anything like that, just smile. There’s this psychology principle called the “facial feedback effect”, which basically says that when you smile, you get happier. Not by much, but by a little bit, and that’s better than nothing.

#3: Think about happy memories

I get really angry anytime I go through airport security. The whole existence of airport security pisses me off, and the people who work for the TSA are usually unpleasant and insufferable.

The problem is, getting angry makes things worse. When I’m angry, I’m way more likely to say something dumb to the TSA agents, incur their wrath, and get held up even more.

So whenever I go through airport security, I always think about my friends and family. Thinking about them makes me happy. Then I’m not so angry anymore, and I can even stomach being polite to the TSA.

I do the same thing when I’m nervous. If I have a big sales meeting or I’m going on a date, I can’t afford to be nervous, because my nervous energy will radiate off me and make the person I’m talking to nervous! So I think about dates and sales meetings I’ve had that went really well in the past.

This is also the trick most actors use to conjure up emotions on demand. If they have to play a scene where they get their heart broken, they think about a time in their life where they got their heart broken. If they need to show joy and triumph in a scene, they think about their greatest successes. Et cetera.

You can use this trick, too. Take a moment now to think about a happy memory — and whenever you need to feel happier, think about that memory. Take a moment now to think about a triumphant memory — and whenever you need some confidence, think about that memory.

#4: Listen to music.

If I’m feeling anxious and I need to relax, I’ll listen to Steely Dan or Tame Impala.

Or if I’m feeling sad and I want to cheer myself up, I’ll listen to Daft Punk.

Or if I feel scared and I need to motivate myself, I listen to 50 Cent.

Music is kind of like the drumbeat for your life. The same way a drumbeat sets the pace for a song, music sets the pace for your mood.

Most people listen to music that fits the emotion they’re in in the moment. When they’re sad, they listen to sad music. When they’re excited, they listen to exciting music. Et cetera.

But you can also do the opposite. If you’re sad and you need to get happy, listen to happy music. If you’re overhyped and you need to get to sleep, listen to calming music.

Pay attention to what music puts you in what mood. And then when you want to get into that mood, just pick the right album or playlist and play it.

Bonus points if you dance. That way, it’s not just your ears getting involved — it’s your whole body. Sometimes you can shake off sadness by doing a jig or a hot-cha-cha.

If you don’t have a music player handy, sometimes you can just think about the song you want to listen to. This can be almost as good.

Also, music can help you influence other people’s emotions, too. This is why they play bass thumping dance music at nightclubs and this is why they play fun, exciting pop songs in retail stores.

Obviously don’t use this power for evil, but if you need to cheer somebody up or help somebody get over their fear, pick the right song.

#5: Channel your emotions into whatever you’re doing

Chess prodigy Josh Waitzkin had to play against a bunch of Russian opponents who used all kinds of dirty tricks to throw him off his game. Some of them blatantly cheated right in front of him.

One opponent would talk to his coach in Russian in the middle of games. They were obviously talking about chess, which was not allowed.

That made Waitzkin angry. The first few times this happened, his anger distracted him and he played worse.

Then, Waitzkin learned to channel his anger, and use it to help him focus. So when the Russian dides started cheating in front of him, he played better chess, and he beat them anyways.

He did the same thing when he competed at the tai chi chuan push hands world championships in Taiwan. Tai chi is a matter of national pride for Taiwan, and they don’t want foreigners winning. So when Waitzkin fought against Taiwanese fighters, the refs usually make tons of bad calls against him.

Waitzkin didn’t complain. Instead, he used his feelings of anger and injustice to focus harder on his matches. So he won, even though it was rigged.

Emotions are to your brain what the wind is to a sailboat. If you’re sailing in a sailboat, you can’t change the direction of the wind. But you can adjust your sails. Similarly, you can adjust your mental sails to channel your emotions in the direction you want to go.

I’m gonna admit that I personally have no idea how the fuck to do this. I haven’t figured it out yet. Maybe I will one day. Josh Waitzkin did! And maybe you will, too.

#6: Reframe the way you feel

When I was 10 years old, my parents signed me up for karate lessons. Before my first belt test, my instructor asked me if I was nervous.

“Yes,” I said.

“You’re not nervous!” he said. “You’re excited!”

There’s a weird division of labor inside your brain. Your conscious brain’s job is to evaluate what’s going on. Then your subconscious takes the evaluation and then decides how you ought to feel.

For example, let’s say you have a crush on someone and you ask her out on a date. She says “oh, I’m too busy to hang out with you, sorry.” Your conscious brain can interpret this as her politely rejecting you, in which case your subconscious will make you feel sad.

Or, your conscious brain can (cluelessly) interpret this as “she wants to hang out with me, but she’s too busy”, in which case your subconscious won’t make you feel so sad.

The trick here is to choose how to evaluate stuff. If you want to change how you feel about something, change the way you think about it.

So for example, say you interview for a job you really want, and then they send you a rejection letter saying they hired somebody else. You can look at it as “they rejected me because I’m not good enough”, in which case you’ll get depressed and insecure.

But you can also look at it as “they rejected me because they didn’t understand me” or “they rejected me because we’re not the right fit for each other”, in which case you’ll feel less depressed and insecure.

You can do this with external stuff, like getting rejected in a job interview. You can also do it with internal stuff, like your emotions. If you feel butterflies in your stomach, you can tell yourself that you feel that way because you’re afraid. Or you can tell yourself that you feel that way because you’re excited!

#7: Stop and think about how you’re feeling

If you feel really strong emotions, sometimes it’s good to pause and think about your emotions. Look at where you’re feeling them in your body. Analyze how they feel. And ask yourself where they’re coming from.

For some reason this neutralizes your emotions. When you think about your feelings, your feelings seem silly. They don’t seem that important anymore. Then you can take a few deep breaths and dissipate them.

An even better way to do this is to journal about your emotions. For some reason, writing down your feelings helps you process them. I think it’s because writing down your emotions forces you to think about them and take stock of them.

When you spend some time with your emotions, you can resolve them and move past them.

The caveat to everything you just read

The issue with these tricks is that they’re usually not enough. Your emotions are more powerful than your thoughts, and sometimes you need to just let them win.

You’re not gonna be able to get over a bad breakup by listening to happy music. You need time to process how you feel and move on.

But, these tricks can help you for a few moments. This is great if you need to concentrate on work, or if you have a big date or business meeting coming up.

Here’s a good way to think about these tricks. They can help you change your micro-emotions, or your day-to-day mood swings. If you wake up feeling grumpy for no apparent reason, just put on some happy music or think some happy thoughts and start dancing.

They can’t change your macro-emotions. If your dog just died or your girlfriend just cheated on you or your football team just lost a big game, you’re not gonna be able to snap out of it instantly by just doing something from this list. Or if you’re a generally angry person and you’re always pissed off at the world for some reason, you’re not gonna be able to change that by doing one trick once.

(I think some of these tricks can help you slowly change your macro-emotions, but I’m not 100% sure.)

Hey! Thanks for reading.

If you’re new around here, my name’s Theo, and every Monday I write an article like this one about whatever was on my mind the week before.

Usually I write about psychology, social sciences, the underlying forces that govern how our world works, and long-term trends in society.

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Happy trails!